


A Push From The Past

by cissarego



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, The Doctor is seeing things, a lot of familiar faces, thasmin, the TARDIS has a plan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:47:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22295788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cissarego/pseuds/cissarego
Summary: Yaz makes a decision the Doctor wasn't expecting. After an argument with the TARDIS, the Doctor start seeing some familiar faces that will help her make a decision.
Relationships: The Doctor & Yasmin Khan, Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 30
Kudos: 97





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea what I'm doing. I mean, I have an idea for how I want this to go but I'm pretty much going with the flow. So bear with me and please let me know what you all think because your reactions will dictate whether or not I should continue with this. Also, I had literally nothing more than this chapter ready so I don;t really know when I'm putting the next one up. The whole story shouldn't be too long so let's see how it goes! :)
> 
> This was not revised or beta'd in any way so all mistakes are mine.
> 
> I don't own Doctor Who or any of the characters, it all belongs to the BBC

**Chapter 1**

The dreading feeling wasn’t going away, no matter how much she paced around the spaceship. On a normal uneventful day, she would walk around her TARDIS trying to find new corridors or new rooms the ship might have built, always finding a nice surprise at the end of the exploration. But not today. Today she walked aimlessly, trying to make sense of the new weight she carried on her chest. 

Her feet took her to the same spot she stood a few weeks ago, after Yaz asked to visit her home planet. As she reached the top of the steps, the TARDIS whirred and shook, the lights changing from the deep oranges to a cold blue and white mix.

“I know how I feel, you don’t have to rub it in!”, she shouted at the ship, looking up. Another whirring noise echoed through the control room as the lights turned red.

“Y _ou’re_ angry? Well that’s just tough. Nothing I can do. She said she wants to go, not my choice.”, the Doctor responded in a mournful tone. “They always go in the end. You know that. They can’t stay forever. They go, we move on. It’s how it’s always been, how it always will be. You’re angry because they don’t usually want to leave like this, but it can’t be helped. It just can’t!”

The Doctor watched as the lights of the control room turned to blue once again, this time without whirring noises as if the TARDIS had given up on the argument. She sighed and sat on the highest step, burying her face in her hands, her body flooded with sorrow and defeat as the events of earlier that evening ran through her mind.

_“It’s been five weeks Doctor,” Yaz’s voice was soft but full of worry. “Please, talk to me. You’re acting like everything is fine but it’s clearly not. The boys gave up on trying to talk to you but I don’t want to give up. I’m with you, whatever happens, but you need to let me in! You’re quiet, you’re sleeping even less than you usually do, you’re constantly worried and snappy.”_

_“I talk plenty don’t I? I’m always talking, Yaz,” the blonde responded nonchalantly, focusing on the wiring coming out one of the panels of the control room and avoiding her friend’s gaze at all costs._

_“You do talk a lot but do you say anything, really?” The brunette asked, lightly pulling the Doctor’s arm, making the woman look at her. “I can see you’re hurting and it kills me that you don’t let me help. You’ve done so much for me, for us, and I don’t understand why you won’t let me help,” Yaz questioned, trying to reach for her friend who seemed to be miles and miles away from her, so distant it felt like the Doctor was untouchable, even standing right in front of her._

_“Maybe this is how I really am. Maybe all the giggling and jumping around was just because I was still freshly regenerated, maybe the weight of my past lives is starting to catch up with me,” the Doctor said, eyes now fixed on hazel ones, her hands starting to tremble against cables and tools._

_“I don’t believe you. You’re just saying that. This is not you, the way you’ve been, the way you’re talking to people, angry, even cruel, that’s not you,” Yaz insisted, trying to make her friend open up. She knew the Doctor, she was sure of it. If there was one advantage to this infuriating crush that was harder and harder to keep hidden, was the fact that she could read the Doctor like an open book. And this was what made this whole situation even more painful. She could tell the Doctor was hurting, she knew there was more to it than what the blonde woman was willing to share, but she refused to accept that the wonderful, kind, joyful person she spent the past year with suddenly became hard and cold. It was just not possible._

_“Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, Yasmin Khan. But this is me,” the Doctor tore her eyes away from Yaz’s, grinding her teeth in anger. Anger at her self, for not finding the courage to open up. Yaz doesn’t deserve this, she is far too good, far too pure to know the real Doctor. It was just unthinkable. Because to show Yaz what the Master showed her, would mean that she’d have to share the whole story, or at least a very big part of it. If Yaz ever knew what she’s done in the past, how far she went, how she destroyed her own planet, how many people she killed, she surely would want nothing to do with her. How could she share her worries if she herself didn’t know what they meant? She didn’t know anything about what the Master told her, about the founding fathers of Gallifrey, the timeless child. But she knew these things would sooner or later find her, and this battle would not be one she’d be able to protect Yaz and the boys from. So she closed up, trying to protect her friends but mostly, trying to protect herself. “So maybe you should all just get used to it.”_

_Yaz took a deep breath, letting go of the Doctor’s arm and closing her eyes as if in preparation for something._

_“Well then, if this is it, I want out,” Yaz’s tone was flat, stripped from any emotion. Yaz wasn’t entirely sure if her new plan would work, but she decided to trust on what Ryan had told her a few weeks back, teasing about her crush not being one sided. The Doctor turned her head to face her friend, shock in her expression. “I won’t stay here and watch you self destruct. I said before, many times, Doctor, I’m with you, but I need you to let me be with you, and it’s clear to me now that you don’t need or don’t want my help. But I won’t sit around watching you being angry and cold and distant. So, if as you said, this is the real you, I want out. Please take me home.”_

_“You don’t really want that, do you?” The Doctor asked, searching for a glimmer of hope on Yaz’s eyes._

_“No, I don’t. But you leave me no choice. I’m going back to my room to gather my stuff. Let me know when we land in Sheffield,” Yaz said turning away from the blonde woman, then disappearing through one of the TARDIS corridors and leaving behind a jaw dropped Doctor and hoping her plan would work._

The TARDIS shook and whirred again, more violently than the times before, making the Doctor lift her head in anger.

“Stop doing that!” the blonde shouted at her ship as she stood up. Another shake came and the Doctor held herself steady, listening to the incessant whirring of the TARDIS. “I can’t! It’s not fair on her. I can’t tell her! It wouldn’t make any difference anyway, she wants to go, she wants to be away from me! And so she should, for her own safety!”

The lights of the control room turned red once again, but this time a deeper, more urgent hue. The TARDIS shook itself one more time, making the Doctor lose her footing and fall over the steps hitting her head and knocking her unconscious.


	2. Chapter 2

**_Chapter 2_ **

_ “Don’t you think this is a bit manipulative, Yaz? And it can backfire too. She might not react the way you expect and you’ll end up back in Sheffield. Is that what you really want?” _

Yaz sat at the edge of her bed in the bedroom assigned to her in the TARDIS, Ryan’s words echoing in her brain as she recalled the short conversation she had with the boy after her argument with the Doctor.

She knew he was right, this wasn’t the best way to get the Doctor to open up with her, but she didn’t know what else to do. She had to believe that her crush, as Ryan suggested, was not one sided and the possibility of Yaz really leaving would, maybe, make the Doctor reconsider and talk to her. She hoped that the blonde woman would come through the door at any moment, ready to talk. However, the whirring noises and shaking motions of the TARDIS filled her heart with sadness. It seemed like they were getting ready to departure. Maybe she would end up back in Sheffield after all.

********

She could feel her body being lightly shaken as her senses started to come back.  
  
“You’ve outdone yourself, let me tell you. Not brilliant, girl. Not brilliant at all,” the blonde woman grunted at the TARDIS as she leaned her weight on her arms, trying to get up. 

“Took you bloody long enough to wake up,” The Doctor opened her eyes in shock as the familiar voice reached her ears.

She sat up and felt her jaw dropping as she blinked several times before squeezing her eyes and shaking her head. This must be an illusion.

“What? Did a cat eat your tongue? Last I saw you you couldn’t keep your mouth shut. Mind you I do prefer how you look now, let’s be honest. Way more down my alley,” The woman said with a chuckle.

“It can’t be…” The Doctor uttered with a surprised tone. “Why are you doing this to me?” She shouted at her TARDIS looking up. “You died. And don’t give me that  _ memories  _ nonsense again! You can’t be here!” She addressed her companion who now stood up with her arms crossed, regarding the Doctor with interest.

“It’s not the TARDIS, you know. And I very much am here. Well, not  _ really  _ here, but your brain decided to bring me back so, here I am!” The woman opened her arms with a smile. “Love the accent, by the way, miles better than the Scottish.”

The Doctor got up and brisked towards the control panels, starting to press buttons and pull levers, looking at readings while still shaking her head in disbelief. “No..no, no, no, no, no. This is not real,” the blonde woman said under her breath. “ _ YOU _ ,” she pointed at her companion. “...are not real. If it’s not the TARDIS, there must be a reason why my brain decided to play tricks on me again.”

“Aha! Finally we’re getting somewhere. Look, I probably don’t have a lot of time so if you want to drag your arse here and talk to me, we can get this all over and done with. You know, I’ve got things to do, places to be,” The woman crossed her arms again.

The Doctor lifted her head and studied the figure standing on the control room. She took a few steps towards the woman and gently touched her cheek as a soft smile formed.

“I’ve missed you, Bill Potts,” She said longingly.

Bill smiled as she sighed. “Alright, now, care to tell me what I’m doing here?”

“I don’t know, I mean, clearly my brain is producing an image of you and, let me tell you, it is scarily real, I can literally touch you,” She said as she moved her hand from Bill’s face to her shoulder. “But you know this big old brain, always playing tricks on me.”

“Do you not think that this has something to do with the pretty little thing that stormed off a while ago?” Bill asked with a knowing look.

“Who? Yaz? No, it can’t be. Can it?” The Doctor asked scronching her nose. “Surely not. Why would my brain make you appear because of Yaz?”

“I think we both know why, am I right?” raising an eyebrow, Bill poked the Doctor’s ribs. “You’re not gonna let her just go, will you?”

“It’s what she wants, she made it pretty clear,” The Doctor responded, hardening her tone and stepping away from her companion. The blonde woman turned her attention back to the control panels of the TARDIS.

“Oh my god, man or woman, you’re still a bloody arse, aren’t you?” Bill said with exasperation. “You know what you have to do, Doctor, so just go and bloody do it!”

The Doctor closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She did know what she had to do, but that doesn’t mean she can actually do it. She can’t be that selfish, she can’t do that to Yaz. She turned her attention from the TARDIS’ controls to face Bill, almost certain of what she had to say.

“It’s not that simp… Bill???” She looked around at the empty control room, Bill Potts nowhere to be seen. Rushing into one of the corridors of the TARDIS, she looked for her late companion. “Bill? Where did you go?” She asked loudly at the empty ship. The Doctor noticed a door ajar and went to investigate.

She didn’t remember entering that room before, perhaps it was one of the new ones, created between the time she fell off her TARDIS and the time she finally found the ship again. She made a mental note to go off on an exploration mission soon, certain that there would be many other rooms like this one to be found.

The tall walls were dark and empty, the room was wide but there was no visible furniture or decoration. It looked like it was still under construction and the Doctor wondered why the TARDIS would keep a room like this. Across the wall, a single light came from a small chandelier. Upon inspection, the Doctor could make up a human form near the light. She approached slowly as she squinted her eyes to try and see in the near darkness.

“Bill?” She questioned carefully.

“Not quite,” The voice pierced through the Doctor’s ears as the human form stepped into the light. The Doctor took a sharp breath as she looked at the woman in front of her. With a step forward, she reached out and gently took the woman’s right hand on hers.

“My dear Clara,” she said with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and for the comments. Let me know what you think! It's a short one but I think all the chapters will be quite short. This story was supposed to be a one-shot but it would be a bit too long for it so I prefer to cut it into small slices. I hope you're OK with that. :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

“You look good, Doctor,” Clara said with a smile. “Told you you should go and be a queen, didn’t I?” She chuckled.

“I don’t know about queen,” The Doctor responded, letting go of her companion’s hand. “But it was a good upgrade this time round. Quite fancy this being a woman business, it’s brilliant!”

“Yeah, we have our moments,” Clara looked at the Doctor with tenderness in her eyes as a peaceful silence settled between the two women.

The Doctor looked at her old companion with curiosity, her forehead wrinkled as she leaned her head to one side, trying to make sense of it all. Of course it was good to see Clara again, but she tried to understand the significance of this. As the light from the chandelier flickered, the blonde woman reached for her sonic in her pocket and lifted it, pointing it towards Clara, who crossed her arms and lifted an eyebrow.

“What are you doing now?” Clara asked.

“No readings,” The Doctor said, checking the results on the sonic screen.

“Of course there’s no readings, I’m not really here, am I? Get on with the program, Doctor.” Clara uncrossed her arms and leaned against the dark wall.

“I know that,” The blonde woman said as she put the sonic back in her pocket. “Question is, why is my brain now producing an image of Clara Oswald? If it’s not the TARDIS, and if there’s no readings, you’re literally a hallucination but I can’t figure out why!”

“Maybe your brain is trying to give you a little push.” Clara said, nonchalantly.

“A push for what? I don’t need pushing. I push myself plenty well, thank you very much,” The Doctor did not like where this was going. First Bill, and now Clara, both seeming to be trying to convince her to do something she knew she couldn’t do.

“Doctor don’t be daft. Look, I know you’re scared,” Clara started to speak but was interrupted by the blonde woman.

“I’m not scared! Who told you I’m scared? Cos I’m not!” The Doctor frowned.

“Erm...Hello? Inside your brain, remember?” Clara said pointing to herself. “So you can cut out this denial speech because it’s not like you can lie to me. As I said, I _KNOW_ you’re scared, and I know it’s not easy, but if you just talk to her, you’ll see that this happiness you’ve been chasing can be closer than you think.”

“No…” The Doctor said, closing her eyes.

“If you just stop being so stubborn and give yourself the chance.” The brunette continued.

“No…” The blonde woman brought her hands to her ears, but the obstacle seemed to have no effect as Clara’s words burned her like fire.

“You can’t possibly think that letting her go is going to help anything, can you?” Clara leaned forward speaking up.

“No!” The Doctor turned her back to Clara and started running away from the brunette, reaching the doors of the room and pulling them open. She exited the room and ran through the corridors of the TARDIS, uncertain of where to go. Her thoughts were going at a million miles an hour, all the possibilities running through, none of them good enough. She knew she didn’t want to see Yaz going, but at the same time, the other option was far too selfish, far too scary to even contemplate. She knew that it would be far better to keep her feelings to herself. Her feelings about everything the Master told her, and especially her feelings towards Yaz. 

She asked herself why her brain was producing these hallucinations and what did it all mean. If anything, it was just confirming all her fears, to see those people she lost in her previous lives, a cruel reminder that they always go at some point and in the end she’s alone. But somehow, the idea of letting Yaz go felt different, it felt harder but she didn’t know why.

The Doctor slowed down her pace as she saw a new door at the turn of a corridor, this time a familiar door. She pushed it open to find one of her favourite rooms in the TARDIS. The library. Countless books covered the walls, books in every language that were ever written. Universe atlas’ and maps of long lost planets as well as interplanetary dictionaries and your odd romance novel here and there. A selection of chairs and sofas were spread across the room, with lamps on every corner, making it the perfect reading atmosphere. She loved the library and she hoped to find some peace in the room, to finally be able to think and make sense of it all, but another piercing voice greeted her as she sat on the end of one of the sofas.

“Who are you hiding from?” The voice came from the other end of the sofa where the Doctor sat. “Do you not think that hiding in your favourite room of the TARDIS is a bit of an obvious choice? Also, what happened to your bow-tie?”

“I was trying to hide from myself so I can do some thinking but it’s clearly not working,” The Doctor turned to face the person sat across the sofa, observing the shiny red hair shimmering against the light coming from the lamp. “Is it, Amy Pond?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short one, sorry about that. But hey, it's Clara! :)
> 
> Thank you for your comments and for reading, don't forget to let me know what you think!


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Amy smiled as the Doctor approached her, but she couldn’t help but notice the somewhat suspicious look in the blonde’s face.

“Hello raggedy Doctor,” She said as the Doctor tilted her head ever so slightly, as if trying to see through her companion.

“I was a Scottish man last time. Scottish like you. I was brilliant, I was. Not so sure about regenerating again then because, you know, all the pain and this and that, but ended up with this upgrade, and I quite like it really.” 

“Not so raggedy anymore, then.”

“Oh I was at first. Old me clothes. Took quite the beating. Fell off the TARDIS into a train, long story. But I got this amazing new outfit. And you’ll be happy to know I haven’t stolen any clothes this time. Yaz bought them for me.”

A shadow of sadness crossed the Doctor’s eyes at the mention of Yaz’s name. The blonde woman stared at her feet as thoughts of Yasmin Khan insisted on staying in her brain. Doesn’t matter how much she tried to push them away, beautiful caramel eyes seemed to always find their way back to the Doctor’s head.

“She’s done more than just buying you new clothes, didn’t she? And yet you’re trying really hard to keep her at bay. She’s special, care to explain?” Amy took the Doctor’s hands in hers, trying to catch the woman’s attention.

“They all are. They all were.”

“But she’s different.”

“What makes you think she is different?” The Doctor pulled her hands away from Amy’s grip, feeling her walls growing and her defence mechanism kicking in once more.

“You’re the one telling me she is different. And you know why she’s different. You should own up to it. Make a decision like I once did.”

“My decision is made.”

“Is it?” Amy stood up and crossed her arms. “Well, I know for a fact that River would be furious with you.”

“Well, River isn’t here now, is she?” The Doctor raised her voice eyeing her companion who still carried a gentle smile on her face and she watched as the smile became a chuckle.

“Are you sure about that?” Amy turned her gaze to the armchair across the room, facing the sofa where the Doctor was still sitting. 

Sat on the arm chair, River Song looked at the Doctor wearing her cleverest smile and she watched as the Doctor’s jaw dropped slowly and the woman rubbed her eyes as strongly as she could.

The blonde woman saw stars from the pressure she applied onto her own eyes, unable to believe the sight before her. It was all too much. Why was her brain doing this to her? Her decision was made and there was nothing that could change it. She knew what she was doing. It was for the best. Not only she was certain that Yaz wouldn’t want to have anything to do with her once she knew all the things she’s done in the past, the planets destroyed, the people killed, the bad choices that led so many of her past companions into their ultimate demise, but she also was terrified of the pain. A pain she felt before so long ago and she felt like she wouldn’t be able to feel it again.

“Hello sweetie,” River’s voice pierced through her ears interrupting her trance. She turned her eyes away from the woman across the room and looked up to discover that Amy was gone. Blinking twice, she looked back at River who still smiled at her.

The Doctor watched as the woman stood up and made her way towards her, sitting next to her on the sofa.

“Missed me?”

“River, you too, why are you here?”

“Because it seems like this brain of yours is not as sharp as it used to be.”

“I don’t understand…”

“It’s quite simple. You’re about to make a mistake, and I’m here to stop you from making it.”

“It’s not a mistake. You don’t understand. Even if I did tell her everything about me, even if she decides to stay, knowing who I am, what I’ve done, still, I can’t. I just can’t,” The Doctor buried her face in her hands, despair filling her chest at the very thought of that pain that was dormant for so long and now it seems to be coming back in full force.

“Doctor, the pain you’re hiding from, it’s lying to you. It doesn’t have to be the same as before and you know it. But if you go through with this, if you take her back to Sheffield, you might never know. She’s special.”

“It always ends the same way, River. Don’t you see? And I don’t quite fancy all that pain, thank you very much. Been through it once, not a fan.”

River looked at the Doctor and pursed her lips. With a big sigh, she stood up and touched the blonde’s shoulder.

“She left a big scar there, that dog. Didn’t she?” The Doctor looked up and faced River, pain and surprise in her eyes. “But it’s fine. Before it’s all over, she will fix it.”

“What are you talking about? River what are you saying?”

River laughed and clicked her tongue, turning away from the Doctor and starting to walk towards the library door. “I can’t tell you that, Doctor. That would be a spoiler.”

The Doctor followed River with her eyes until she reached the door. She stood up and walked towards the woman but as she reached the entrance of the library, River Song was nowhere to be seen. She shook her head, trying to organise her thoughts. None of it made sense and she was certain of one thing only. She wasn’t ready for that pain again. No matter how many years have passed, she just wasn’t ready. With her mind made, she closed the door behind her and started to make her way back to the control room of the TARDIS.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for all the lovely comments. Two more after this chapter and I think we'll be done with this story. I hope you all like it. Don;t forget to let me know what you think. :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, turns out it took too long for me to update this, which means this story is now canon divergent.  
> In this case, I am kind of ignoring whatever happened in the season and sticking with the Doctor still not knowing anything about her being the timeless child etc.  
> My own fault for not updating it soon enough.   
> I hope y'all can forgive me and that you're able to enjoy it regardless.  
> There will be one last chapter after this.  
> Don't forget to let me know what you think on the comments! :)

**Chapter 5**

The control room still had its red theme going on. The Doctor sighed and made her way to the panels, still trying to make sense of it all.

“I still think this is your doing, you know?” She spoke to the TARDIS as the ship started making noises when the blonde woman pressed buttons and moved screens. She tapped the monitor a few times, impatience stamped on her face as the screen kept showing fault after fault. “You have to stop doing this, girl. We’re going to Sheffield whether you like it or not.”

The ship shook and the vworp noises began to fill the control room after the Doctor finally managed to set the destination, even with the TARDIS’ interruptions. She sat down on a step near the panels and pressed her eyes while remembering the conversation she just had with River. Well, with her brain’s projection of River.

_ “She left a big scar there, that dog. Didn’t she?” _

The Doctor held her breath as an image of blonde strands popped into her mind but she quickly made that thought disappear.

_ “Before it’s all over, she will fix it.” _

River’s words danced in her head but she didn’t know how to make sense of it all. She couldn’t understand what her late wife was trying to say and she found it quite infuriating that, even as a projection of her own brain, River wouldn’t tell her what was going to happen in her future. 

The TARDIS stopped with a thud, announcing the arrival at the set destination. The Doctor stood up taking a deep breath, it was time to face Yaz and tell her they arrived in Sheffield. She lifted her head and with a startle, she felt as if her hearts jumped in her chest, making her take a couple of steps back as she widened her eyes to look back at the ones watching her from across the panel.

“Not you too!” The Doctor uttered in disbelief as the figure walked around the panels towards her.

“I had a mate once in one of my temp jobs, you know. She was always doing this thing, very annoying really.” 

“Oh my god, brain! I haven’t got time for this!” The Doctor shut her eyes tight and wished for the projection in front of her to go away.

“I ain’t called Brain. It’s Donna, have you forgotten already, alien boy?”

“Look, Donna, as lovely as it is to see you, well, to see this image of you, I have to go, I have to tell Yaz we’re here.”

“Just listen to my story, will you? So, this mate, Rhonda, she had this boyfriend for ages, quite sickly to watch, they loved each other, it was all about the boyfriend. And then he was in an accident and popped his clogs. All very tragic.”

“Your point?” The Doctor showed exasperation in her tone.

“After that, in fact, quite a few years after, I ran into her when I was shopping and she was still single, but she told me there was this bloke turning her head over heels. And she let him go because she was too scared of losing him like she lost the boyfriend that died. And I had never seen her looking so… miserable. So empty. Very sad.”

“I’m still not quite sure how this is relevant, Donna.”

“My point is, Doctor, don’t be Rhonda.”

The Doctor grinned her teeth, feeling her blood boil. She paced with purpose and walked through the image of Donna projected by her brain, towards the corridor that led to Yaz’s room. She could feel her whole body trembling with a mix of fear and adrenaline, her thoughts running at a thousand miles per hour. She was doing this. She was letting Yaz go and the reason for that is the fact that Yaz would never be safe by her side. It was because of the horrors of her past, the bad things she’s done, she knew Yaz wouldn’t even want to travel with her anymore if she knew all she’d done. Let alone be with her. No, there was nothing to do with the other thing. Nothing to do with River’s insinuations or Donna’s story. It had nothing to do with her fear of pain, her fear of memories of so many years ago. Nothing to do with blonde locks and light hazel eyes that still haunted her nightmares.

She stood in front of Yaz’s room but she didn’t have it in her to knock, even though she knew she had to. So she raised her fist, against all the gut feeling inside of her, against the thump of her hearts and against the tears that started pooling in her eyes.

“God, I can only imagine how it feels to be loved by you.”

The voice came from right beside her. Another image projected by her brain, leaning against the wall by the side of Yaz’s door. Leather clad arms crossed against the chest and wistful eyes looking at her own.

“You know I loved you, Martha.”

“Not like you love her. But don’t think I’m here out of jealousy because I’m not. You know I led a good life and I was very happy with Mickey. I just feel bad for her.”

“For Yaz? Why would you feel bad for Yaz?”

“Because I know that being loved by you would have changed my whole life, and it’s sad that you’re not brave enough to give this to her. It’s sad that you’re being stubborn and she might never know that her feelings are not one sided as she thinks they are.”

“How would you know about Yaz’s feelings anyway?”

“I know because you know. You know it and you are scared by it. And you’re about to make a massive mistake.”

“I’m about to do what I have to. I have a duty of care, I have to protect her.”

“You’re just protecting yourself and you know it.”

“I’m sorry Martha Jones. But you have to go now.” The Doctor closed her eyes as if taming her own brain. When she opened them again, Martha was gone and it was just her, in front of Yaz’s door. She knocked twice before the younger woman opened it and the Doctor felt her hearts breaking a little at the hopeful expression the girl had in her eyes.

“We’re in Sheffield. Precisely 2 hours after when I last picked you up.”

“Oh. You haven’t changed your mind then? You’re still gonna pretend that you’re hard and that there is nothing wrong with that?”

“There’s plenty wrong. But there’s nothing you can do. You don’t have to go, Yaz, you know that.”

Yaz sighed and turned away, grabbing a packed bag.

“I can’t Doctor. It hurts too much.”

The younger woman walked past the Doctor who followed her suit. They walked in silence through the TARDIS’ corridors and the Doctor could feel the tension eating her up so she broke the silence.

“What should I tell the boys?”

“I spoke to Ryan, I’m pretty sure he told Graham already.”

They stopped at the front door of the ship and Yaz turned to look at the Doctor, tears nor running freely down her cheeks.

“Doctor...Please…”

The Doctor fought to hold back her own tears as she opened the doors and reached for the pocket of her trousers. She retrieved a mobile phone and gave it to Yaz.

“You can always call me, if you need anything. I’ll be here in a jiff.”

“Doctor…”

“I can’t Yaz… I’m sorry.”

The Doctor could no longer hold back the tears as she saw Yaz stepping out of the TARDIS. She could swear the girl looked somehow smaller, as if she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders as she took the first steps towards her apartment block.

\---------------

Yaz walked staring at the floor, not quite believing that her plan did not work, that, after all, the Doctor didn’t care about her enough, that she didn’t really mind losing Yaz instead of opening up to her. She felt her heart breaking as she heard the TARDIS’ vworp and she couldn’t hold the sob that escaped her throat when she turned back to see the ship dematerialising.

\---------------

The Doctor pressed buttons on the panel aimlessly, not knowing what to do or how to feel. She felt defeated, broken and more alone than she had ever felt before. She wondered if she had made the right choice, if in the end the TARDIS and her brain projections were right, if she should have owned up to the truth behind her actions and the fear that her feelings for Yaz awoken in her.

“You should have told her the truth.”

The voice came from behind her, where a figure leaned against the TARDIS’ doors. The Doctor felt the air escape her lungs and a surge of pain cursed through her hearts. She thought her brain was now just being cruel as the image of those blonde locks and light hazel eyes looked at her with a smile.

“What’s the matter, Doctor? Don’t tell me you’re scared of the big Bad Wolf?”

  
  



	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally the last chapter!  
> This should have been a one shot but hey ho. I hope you all enjoyed it and I'm sorry I sucked at updating.
> 
> Reminding you that this is now canon divergent!  
> Enjoy!

**Chapter 6**

“Rose… Why is this happening? Please, I can’t take this anymore!”

The Doctor shouted at the woman standing by the door, collapsing onto the step beneath the console. She buried her head in her hands, pressing against her temples in an attempt to make that image disappear.

“Doctor, you can make this end. You can make this pain go away if you just turn back to get her. Don’t make this mistake.”

The Doctor looked up and saw that Rose was crouched down right in front of her, their eyes levelled.

“I can’t, Rose. I can’t lose her the same way I…”

“You  _ ARE _ losing her, right now Doctor, don’t you see?”

“She's so much like you, Rose. I can't bear it.”

“What you're doing makes no sense, Doctor. When I ended up on that other dimension, it was not your fault. It happened and it couldn't be helped. But what you're doing now? It's on you. The pain you're feeling is the same, I know it is, but this time it's self inflicted. You're causing yourself this pain and you're inflicting it on her too. This is the most stupid attempt of self preservation I've ever seen.” 

Tears now run down her face unchallenged, realisation hitting her like a rock. 

“Get over yourself, Doctor. Live your life and let it happen to you. I'm your past, she might be your future. If you allow yourself.” 

“I would have travelled with you for the rest of my life,” The Doctor sobbed as she tried to reach Rose's face. Her hand passed through the projection, denying her the physical feeling she craved. 

“I know,” Rose replied with a smile. “And I would have travelled with you. But you know I'm happy, you made sure of it before we parted ways. Now it's your chance. Turn this ship around, get her back.”

The TARDIS’ control room changed its colours to warm oranges, whirring noises coming from all directions as the Doctor faced Rose with resolve. She stood up and walked around the console, pressing a few buttons and placing her hand on the main lever. She took a deep breath and wiped the tears that ran down her cheeks, it was time to face her future, time to not be scared anymore. Turning to look at Rose one more time, she pulled the lever down.

“Rose Tyler, I…”

Before she could finish, the image of Rose disappeared from the room, a cruel trick, she thought, denying her to utter the words once again. But there was no time to linger on that thought as the TARDIS landed back in Sheffield, no longer than a few seconds after it had originally departed.

She opened the doors and saw Yaz walking towards her flat block, her head down, her stance defeated and she felt terrible guilt. Yaz was like this because of her, because of her bad choices and because of her own fears. But no more. Never again would she make Yaz feel that way. The Doctor walked out the doors of her ship and started running towards the younger woman, her name coming out of the blonde woman’s lips in a hopeful shout. Her hearts started beating faster and faster as she saw the brunette stopping and turning around, her eyes wide with surprise and confusion.

There was no time to waste. As the Doctor reached Yaz, she pulled her in instantly, lips crashing against Yaz’s in a desperate attempt to convey a message words would not be able to. It was messy and urgent and so, so wonderful, the Doctor thought if she died there and then, it would be a pretty damn good way to go.

They parted for air after a minute or ten years, but the Doctor could not let go of Yaz. She buried her face on the younger woman’s neck, whispers of apology reaching Yaz’s ears.

When she finally pulled back, the Doctor could still see confusion in Yaz’s eyes and she knew in that moment that her romantic gesture would not be enough to explain everything she had made Yaz go through. She took a couple of steps back, bracing herself for what she knew it couldn’t wait any longer.

“Doctor… I… I don’t understand.”

"I've killed a lot of people, Yaz. So many I lost count." 

"Doctor, why don't we go back to the TARDIS so we can talk properly?" 

Yaz took one step towards the Doctor, suddenly feeling like any distance at all between them was too much. The Doctor stretched her arm stopping her. 

"I need to do this now, Yaz, before I lose my courage again." 

The younger woman nodded and watched as the Doctor took a deep breath. All Yaz ever wanted was to be able to help the Doctor and know what was eating her up, and now she was about to know and the idea of it was equal parts exhilarating and terrifying. 

"There was a war, thousands and thousands of years ago. Gallifrey and Skaro fought the bloodiest war in all of the universes. The Daleks wanted to destroy us and, after us, they wanted to destroy the whole universe. It was a standstill, both races too powerful, too full of hate and blood. I put an end to it. I destroyed my whole planet and everyone in it. Everyone. Men, women, children. But I took the Daleks with them. Every single last one of them, or so I thought. I carried that with me. I became the last of the Time Lords because I killed them all. But the Daleks kept popping back and I kept killing them time after time." 

The Doctor's breath was laboured, the telling of this piece of history opening up wounds that never really healed. 

"Until one day that version of me, the version who destroyed Gallifrey, met other two versions of me, quite confusing really when I think about it now. But in the end he changed his mind. He didn't blow Gallifrey up. I didn’t blow Gallifrey up. It took 13 versions of me to defeat the Daleks and send my planet away, to the edges of the universe, but in one piece. Until then I never quite really comprehended the weight of that action as it was lifted from my shoulders. I changed my past, I didn't kill my people."

Yaz could almost feel the relief in the Doctor’s words, but she noticed that the blond woman’s eyes became darker as she continued her story.

"When the Master came back, he asked me if I had ever headed back home. Which I didn't. He told me the planet was destroyed again. Everyone was dead again, and that whole weight got back. After we sent him away, trapped him with the Kasaavin, I found a projector in the TARDIS. It was a confession. He destroyed Gallifrey. He killed them all and he said all I believe and know about myself is a lie. I've been chasing him ever since. I don't know what he means, I don't know what any of it means. What I know is that he destroyed our home, my planet that I managed to save, and I can't control the anger and the sadness of it all. I need to find him but it scares me how angry I am and the fact that I don't know what I'm gonna do to him once I find him." 

The Doctor looked at Yaz who took in every work she said. There was no judgement in her eyes, which did not surprise the blonde woman. Still, she prodded. 

"Now that you know some of the awful things I've done, and believe me, there's plenty more, do you still want to travel with me? To be with me?" 

"Doctor, what happened in your past is just that. The past. I know you, I know you did what you had to do to save the universe from something that would be much worse than whatever you did." 

The Doctor laughed, throwing her head back. She knew that. She always knew Yaz wouldn't change the way she saw her because of her past. She had to tell Yaz the truth. She owed her that much. 

"What's so funny?" Yaz asked, confused. 

"You're amazing, Yaz. And a big part of me always knew you wouldn't care about my past. But I hoped, I really hoped for a moment that this was the reason why I pushed you away." 

"If it wasn't this, what was it then?" 

"A long time ago, I had a companion. She travelled with me same as you do now. She was beautiful and brave and selfless. She was focused and knew what she wanted from the beginning, very strong headed. Her name was Rose Tyler. She awoke in me something I thought was dead and gone. We had incredible times together. But I lost her. She slipped through my fingers and I never had the chance to tell her... Well, I'm sure she knew." 

The Doctor had her eyes closed, a flood of memories, painful memories running through her mind and her hearts. 

"After Rose was gone, I knew I couldn't bear that again. That pain of having all those feelings being stripped away from me in a second. I was quite good at that. I had other friends who travelled with me, but I kept them at arm's length, always making sure then had someone, they were unreachable in that sense." 

"What changed then, Doctor? What happened?" 

"You, Yasmin Khan. You happened. I literally crashed into your life and it changed everything. And you remind me so much of her. You're brave as she was, you're selfless as she was. But you're so much more. You're your own person and you've gone through so much and still you have this look of hope on your face and I... I couldn't resist." 

The blonde woman stretched her arm to cup Yaz's cheek, so much tenderness in her eyes, she felt like her hearts were about to explode. 

"So I got scared. I got scared that the same thing would happen to you. That you'd slip through my fingers like Rose did and I couldn't... I just couldn't bear the thought of all that pain again. It's stupid, I know, but it was stronger than me. I was terrified of loving you and losing you. But not anymore. I mean, I'm still terrified of how you make me feel, Yaz but I want it. I want it like I never wanted anything in my life." 

Yaz’s smile was soft as she looked into the Doctor's eyes, her hand covering the other woman's on her face. 

"I'm glad you told me that, Doctor. And what I said to you before still stands. I'm with you, whatever happens. As long as you want me." 

She took a step forward, closing the space between them with another kiss, this time gentle and full of promise. 

"I can't promise that nothing bad will ever happen to you Yaz, but I promise you that I will always do everything I can to protect you." The Doctor said as they parted, their foreheads touching. 

"I know that, Doctor. And I promise you I'll try to stay out of trouble. And that will be with you and I'll help you so long as you let me. Now, let's go back to the TARDIS," Yaz suggested again. "I don't want to waste one more second of my time with you." 

They walked towards the TARDIS never noticing the two pairs of eyes watching them from afar. 

\-------

"That was the most convoluted plan ever, Rose." 

"It's what she needed."

"You're lucky I'm still linked to the TARDIS core or this plan would have never worked."

"I'm lucky you're still mentally linked to the Doctor or we'd never know she was gonna be this daft."

"I can't believe I really thought this was all my brain. Or she, not me. Us. I don't know. But she still thinks it was just her brain. I must be getting old. She must be getting old."

Rose laughed and regarded the skinny man with spiky hair who held a pout and a confused demeanour. 

"Our work here is done. I'm quite tired, all this concentration to project myself and all the others took a lot of energy. I can't believe how stubborn she was! Shall we head back?"

"Well, you know me. I'm hard to bend. Or she. Us. I don't know." 

"Whatever..." Rose said, still laughing and feeling satisfied with the work done. 

She held the man's hand as they started walking away, turning to give one last glance at the Doctor and Yaz. 

"Live a great life, Doctor," She whispered with a smile.

\----------

As they reached the doors of the TARDIS, the Doctor felt a surge of cold air on the back of her neck, a creeping feeling that she was being watched. Yaz stopped at the open door and stretched her hand out, inviting the Doctor in with her.

The blonde woman turned her head, catching a glimpse of two people walking away and disappearing through a corner street. She felt a warm smile form on her lips as she turned her attention back to Yaz.

"Is everything OK, Doctor?"

"Everything’s brilliant, Yaz!"

"Can I just ask, what made you change your mind about all this? About me?"

The Doctor's smile broadened at the memories of her past companions and at the prospect of a future that stood right in front of her. 

"Ah you know, I had a little push from the past. This big brain of mine, always playing tricks. Or so I thought." Her mind raced back to a beat ago, the image of the two figures disappearing, two very familiar figures, and she felt like they could now be laid to rest in her memories. "Now, where should we go? Oh, and remind me, I have to check the TARDIS' core connections. Just in case."

They walked inside the TARDIS with their hands linked, smiles plastered across their faces and the TARDIS once more dematerialised from the streets of Sheffield, with the whole fam on-board and the bright future ahead. 

**THE END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was Rose all along!!!!
> 
> Well, imo, Rose is the companion the Doctor loved the most, up until Yaz, that is. So I decided to write this as a rite of passage for the Doctor so she can let Rose go and allow herself to be happy with Yaz. I hope I managed to pass the message and I hope you all liked it.
> 
> Don't forget to leave a comment! :)  
> Thank you all for reading.


End file.
